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Laments

I got nothing much to lose and a lot to gain from life. I am going to create what I have never had- a simpler life. A life so naïve and simple that it’s too complicated for people to even understand. A transparent heart and elusive mind, strange memories and beautiful sounds, somewhere far away, in the mountains- unpretentious and playful. It’s a long way from here but I believe there exist a world where no bad memories can even reach or change our minds anymore. A place where our hearts are warm and it invites goodness. There is a place somewhere and I shall walk alone if I have to, till the end and to experience something more than mere problems. What could possibly be beyond this point? A solution for everything and the solution is to fill the gaps of our past lives and to move further into the wild, talk to animals and humans and drink water from the mountain spring, sleep on the rocks, run on the fields, jump a little maybe, scream my name making sure nobody hears it, nobody should call my name, nobody is allowed to, nobody except me. No memories can reach this place and the only thing that exists is the present and the sense of this place. Somewhere in my dreams.

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June 2. 8:48PM. Song on repeat. On the sea. Beach House.

Another day of retrospection and the simplest things exist in the most complicated forms. Reality is never simple. It can knock you off at any point from anywhere. Like a punch-up at the your wedding. Quite close, indeed. Then you have the very tiring process of sitting, thinking, getting up and hitting back the same way the world cracked you up. Sounds easy in words.

Worse cases are for people who are bit unlucky than the rest. Boy! You’ll always be knocked off your stable mind, well, that’s the secrets of the ruling planets. Science it looks like but it isn’t so. Sounds easy in words.

Even more worse cases, there might or might be friends and relatives to hold you stand back. This is the best chance to judge people. Not everybody stays and the world takes a little turn. Sounds easy in words.

Worst case, when you got none. That’s when you got absolutely no choice. Either you live or die. Many chose death. Sounds easy in words.

We’d have been dead by now if dreams never existed. But they do. You don’t need to know where, when, how. But they just do. This is why we are alive and each dream form a subconscious imaginary life. Normally the other life is way ahead of us; maybe that’s why we chase them, maybe that’s why we chase dreams. Reality is going to always hold you back and make you question if dreams exist. Trust me, it does. But just make sure, you have enough time before you die.

June 2. 10:02 PM. Overkilled the song.

 

Yesterday:

Walking all day all alone
Staring at people
Met an old classmate
Avoiding everyone
Pretentious hugs
Pulling off hand-shakes
Mocking passers-by
Praising people in my head
Gossips and sandwich
Clumsy wine spill-over
Getting shot
Forgetting names
Pretending to know them
Long day at WIFW
 

Today:

Breakfast with no lunch
Youtube
Laundry
Packing
Youtube
Avoiding calls
Working hard
Youtube
 

Tomorrow:

Going back home
Meeting family
Mom will cry
Dad might cry
Baby nephew will laugh
Good food
Fish food
Mom will cry
I might not
Awkward silence
Hospitals and bills
Somebody might die
 
Right now:
 
Confused about what to buy for my little nephew. I am bad with toys. Never played with dolls.
 
 
 

There are places, people and spaces. Everything has a certain purpose in life. The uncertainties of life are hard to figure out for sure. Then there is this thing called phases of intense emotions, good and bad, which cannot be helped but maybe at the most ignored for a while but only to be hit by one like a water storm. Everything sure has a breaking point.

Lets say, I am talking about a hypothetical situation. What would you do if you were being cornered to one corner of a room that has four corners? And let it be a room with a view. The view stays right opposite to where you are and you are the movable object here. People can move you from point A to point B and you usually don’t have a choice because you are a good-doer. But everybody is a little greedy. Humans you know, isn’t physics that could be why it’s a bit more complex sometimes. So point A to B and B to A is where you are oscillating. Then greed overtakes and the oscillating stops. Now you are fixed, pushed to having one position, let’s say point B. That leaves you with options:

  • Either you submit to people’s confrontations
  • Either you submit to self-respect

The other factors affecting the decisions could be:

  • Prolonged attachment with the view in the room, knowing that you would miss both the sunrise and the sunset.
  • Prolonged attachment
  • Overlong attachment

Want to remain a good-doer? Do what people say.

Want your own space? Prepare to be a bad-doer.

Because nobody is really a bad person. Good people become bad as per his/her own standard measurements. So, everybody is actually good, well, almost.

P.S. Emotions are godamn reckless. Pretty much hard to control when you know you are falling in and falling out for people. The point of thoughtlessness in this is that you when are about to fall for people all you see is the good things and when you are about to fall out, all you see is everything. Godamn, I almost fell for the wrong person.

A friend of mine told me something a long long time ago. “Time heals”

Probably it was the most normal thing anybody could say to anyone.  Years later, I still realize it, it’s probably the simplest trick that dictates life.

I just let my unconscious mind do the talking while time passes by.

While the time passes by I watch people. I watch them fight and love. I watch them grow with others. I watch them die within themselves. We all learn from what we see while the mind manipulates its own answers to what we all face.

Time passes by and everything will change. The way we look at things and the way we deal with situations. Things that looked tougher will look a lot easier later. Years would have passed by then and we would have grown out of ourselves.

We are what we create ourselves to be. We are what we live, how we live and how we want to. Time created it. Time will take it away as it passes by. That is the assurance it gives.

Memories will live in our head as it always has. Perspective will change. The time will come when it  we can forget them, if we wanted to and only a few moments will last forever.

Then we can die in peace.

Why smiling is so important?

There could be a lot of reasons for it. One of them is if you don’t want too many wrinkles as I assume because frowning takes much effort. Didn’t the schoolteachers tell you? Smiling requires 17 facial muscles compared to 43 when you frown. Therefore, people should smile. That sounded perfect, infact, better than perfect because that came from my moral science teacher. We had had that subject for ten years for a different reason, because I happened to study in a catholic school. Science does not explain the existence of God but morals do and so does moral science, which is the study of science of moral explanations. Sounds perfect to me. So it goes.
I do not remember being a very happy child. Smiling required sheer patience and the longing for a genuine reason. I didn’t frown either. I just had an obvious straight face. I just kept thinking that I wasn’t very much interested in what was happening around me, therefore, the straight face, which is another lie to come to think of it now. A constant smile can be a reverse reaction to things that you just want to avoid. It’s an easy way out of everything, obviously if you are an escapist like me.
To frown is to make people think, further getting bombarded with doubts and unavoidable questions and to straight face is to make people repeat their questions and to smile is to make people retreat. It’s an act of tolerance and dramatic peace, like the ones performed by great clowns in their recurring lives. Talking about clowns, here is a joke about the great Pagliacci.
I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor, I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
Do you still wish to stand in front of me with your mourning face?
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